I am just taking the time to write my feelings out on paper. I don’t often do this because, I don’t know feelings change so quickly what I write today may mean nothing 2 days from now. The reason I am doing this is because well for that very reason. My feelings are changing so rapidly I want to write something that will persist throughout the changing of my feelings. I have a lot to be thankful for. There is new life on the horizon, I am moving to a new country, I have God as a friend, Jesus loves me and watches over me and walks with me everyday of my life. I can quietly say, even though I am always in pain, I am happy. Things are good. There’s a girl, who I think is pretty rad. Her name is (redacted). She teaches yoga at the yoga studio and I think we have a connection. I can’t actually say that I’ve had a connection with someone like this. I don’t mean to say I’ve never had a girlfriend or there has never been attractions. Lord knows I have had my fair share of women, but quietly (and sometimes not so quietly) I have a crush on her and I think quietly she may actually have one on me too. It’s pretty cool. She is very attractive to me, she has tattoos which is neat. They’re not dealbreakers for me, because I want to see the person and not the temple. If I’m being honest tattoos are attractive to me, but it scares me a bit because I know my mom might not accept that– I’m not sure. If I’m being completely honest I think it’s not right to overthink them– and if you ask me I think it’s cool. Because ever since I accepted Jesus into my life I have had to ask myself what’s important. The car? Or the person who is driving the car. And for me I think (redacted) is amazing.
I am so thankful for Jesus, because while my head is swimming with emotions, thoughts, desires, hopes, and dreams, the truth of the matter, accept it or not, it’s all in the hands of Jesus. And, I prefer it that way. If I stop to think about it, it’s a really great blessing. When you trust and surrender to the Lord, someone almighty, wise, benevolent who cares for you, it gives you permission to release yourself from the outcome. So much in life we struggle. Trying to force outcomes situations to suit our will, but when we profess, not my will, but YOUR will Lord we create space and peace rushes in. I quietly LOVE (redacted), I mean I spend so much time thinking about her, so much it makes me mad. If she knew it would be weird, but in reality, I have so much faith in the Lord that when I see my feelings I just smile and put it in the hands of Jesus. He tells me, submit it to my authority. In this case, with our chemistry, mutual attraction, why should I struggle? Why should I force. What do I have to gain? I would gain a perverse victory which is really a loss. But if I’m honest, innocent, and truthful myself, who knows what could happen? Why not? What do I have to gain? If nothing comes from the situation then truly, and I mean this with all my heart, it wasn’t meant for me. Why would that be a bad thing? That’s a blessing. (redacted) said in a class, “when it works out that’s God’s direction, and when it doesn’t that’s God’s protection.”
And so, so much that I can help it, if I can help it, I will just be free and see what happens. Does that mean I don’t have desire? I think my desire is for the Will of God to be done. Because THAT will be beautiful. I’m not in control of my life, and quite frankly I’m thankful. It gives me peace. It’s like being at a party where I don’t have to set up or clean up, I just have to show up and dance and let the Lord and all the company of heaven take care of everything. It’s quite the blessing.
So what am I saying? Today, November 30th, 2023. I can say that I am blessed. I don’t know what happens next and that’s okay with me. I just want to be innocent, wild, and free.
In Jesus Name.
Amen.
